Make me Whole
by Lolla Black
Summary: This is my POV on how season 4 will/should be. Kate is shot, what will happen? Will she survive her physical injuries? Will she be ok mentally? How this is going to affect everyone around her and relationship with Castle?
1. Chapter 1

Hey, how you doing?

Well, I'm publishing a fanfic for the first time, because some people asked for it. I really hope you like, this is only chapter one, I believe I'll post another in some days, I'm already writing it. But I'm back to college today. I'm trying my best here for you.

I just write to help with my obsession with this TV show. This is my POV on how season 4 will/should be.

**I don't own Castle. **

**Obs: I'm sorry for any mistakes.**

**~x~  
><strong>

Chapter 1

Castle's head was aching, the images just wouldn't go, he looked death at a very close angle in her eyes. Oh, her eyes, they looked scared for the first time since he met her. He could see everything. He could see her life fading away and he couldn't do anything but beg Kate to stay alive. That was everything in his mind now, he couldn't think, he could barely breathe while rushing through hospital doors, following Lanie that was doing everything to keep her friend, her sister alive. She was also begging Kate to stay. When the nurse came for Kate, she just couldn't let her go, Kate is her friend, and she was not ready to let her go, no one was.

For a moment she was there with them, in the other were just Castle and Lanie standing in a hospital hallway watching her fading way, with the paramedics and the nurse. They didn't know what to do, so they kept there, looking to nowhere, they're crying, torn, both feeling like a great part of them was missing, the best part of them.

Someone lead them to the waiting room, and no longer after Esposito appeared and went towards Lanie, and hugged her strong "Don't worry, she will be ok. Beckett is strong", his voice was low, he had tears in his eyes. Javier Esposito was not the kind of person who showed how he was feeling, even if he was torn apart, but today he was not able to hold the tears. He could only hold Lanie close to him. Ryan entered the room too, he was crying, he was never afraid of his feelings, never afraid to let them out.

Martha, Alexis and Jim Beckett were the last ones to appear, Martha was holding Alexis who looked very scared. And Jim looked exhausted. They were there, waiting for something to happen, for some kind of miracle that would bring Kate back to them.

Rick was sitting in the corner of the room; he was crying again, the images just wouldn't go away. He was feeling so empty; he was feeling like he was the one dying. Nothing ever hurt like this before, nothing. He had two wives before he met Kate, many different women, and none of them could compare to Kate and how it could hurt sometimes being around her, and this need of being around her always. He needed her in his life, he realized that now. But maybe it was too late, maybe he was not going to see her face again, to look deep in her emerald and mysterious eyes, maybe he would never see her smiling face looking back at him. And these thoughts made Castle cry like a young child again, he could not stop the tears that were running down his face.

Then, he saw a familiar face entering in the room.

"What happened?" Josh came in the room the tone in his voice was hard and loud. "What happened?" he asked again going towards Rick who got up from his chair going to Josh's direction.

"Kate was shot" Rick answered.

"I know she was shot, imagine what I felt when I saw that my girlfriend was my patient. I could not operate on her. What I'm asking here, is what you've done, Castle" The tone of his voice was louder

"I did nothing" Castle's voice was becoming loud too.

"Really? Because you are the only one with her blood in the hands" Josh got closer to Rick, they were yelling at each other's face. At this moment Ryan and Esposito got up and went towards them.

"Guys, calm down" Ryan said. "This is a hospital you cannot do this in here" this time Esposito was talking.

Castle looked at his hands, and only now he realized that her blood was still in his hands. He was getting more nervous.

"You did it to her, you were there and you didn't save her" Josh was yelling. "I told her you were no good for her."

"What?" Rick replied; his voice now was very loud. "At least I was there for her, and you, where you've been? Everywhere but by her side, where she needed you. She couldn't count on you, she wanted to, but she knew she couldn't. Tell me, Josh, tell me what you know about her mother, her father? Tell me what you really know about her?" Castle was screaming

"Rick, calm down" Matha said getting up from her seat.

"No" Rick replied. "He comes in here and tell me it's my fault"

"It is your fault, man. You are just a writer, she can't protect herself because she keeps protecting you" Josh passed by Ryan and Esposito and pushed Castle behind. Rick backed some steps and then got towards Josh madly giving him a punch. Ryan and Esposito were trying to hold the fight.

"Enough with this" said Jim Beckett. "Enough, I'm sure Katie…" his voice failed when he said her name "I'm sure she would hate this, you two are not teenagers anymore for being fighting in this way for a girl. You two are adults, act like, please."

Rick felt terrible, Jim's daughter was in the other room fighting for her life and he was there being childish. Rick was a father and he knew how terrified he gets in just thinking about something happening to Alexis. "I'm sorry, Mr. Beckett, for everything. I couldn't talk her out of this, I told her this would get her kil… " He wasn't able to finish the sentence.

Jim put one hand in Castle's shoulder and said "Thank you, for being there for her, I know it meant the world for her". Those words hit Rick like a warm hug. And Josh like another punch. Richard Castle knew his girlfriend father and this was the first time he was seeing him, he backed down and went to sit in the other corner of the waiting room.

"Rick, go home…" Jim barely finished the sentence and Castle already replied "No, sir, I'm not leaving" "Your daughter looks exhausted, go, I'll call you if something happens."

"Mom, please, take Alexis home, this is no place for her, but I'll be staying here" He went to Alexis and hugged her strong. "I love you, sweet pea, go home and rest" saying this he placed a soft kiss in her front head.

"Right, dad. But please, at least wash your hands" after saying this she left with Martha.

Castle went to the restroom in order to wash his hands, he just couldn't to; he stared at his hands with Kate's dry blood and started to sob again. He look at himself at the mirror, he was exhausted. He washed his hands, and then his face. After some minutes he was back to the waiting room.

"You should have gone too" Said Josh "There's nothing you can do here"

"Josh, please" Said Lanie. "Stop"

"Yes, there is" Castle replied. "I can be here, for her like _always. _Now more than ever she needs everyone in this room. Even if the only thing I can do right now is to wait for her, is to pray for her, that's exactly what I'll be doing, because she… because I…" He swallowed his crying "She needs to survive, I need her to survive". He sat and crossed his arms and closed his eyes, in order to rest for a while.

~x~

"Kate, stay with me. Please. I Love you. I love you. I love you" saying this, Castle had Beckett in his arms, he was holding her close and strong. And suddenly she wasn't there anymore he was embracing nothing but the air. The shinny sunny day from Montgomery's funeral was replaced by a dark rainy day. Everyone was there, Martha, Alexis, Ryan, Esposito, Lanie, Jim Beckett. They were all in black. Rick could not see their faces, he was on his knees and in front of him there was a tomb stone. He could see a form that he recognized well beside it.

"Rick." Said the form walking closer to him.

"Kate, you are ok. Thank God. I was so afraid of losing you" He got up and hugged her she was cold, he look at her face she was pale.

"Rick…" She said in a cold and low voice, holding his face with her cold hands "… You lost me" and she gave him a soft cold kiss on his lips and suddenly she disappeared. He heard her voice smiling he looked back and saw her holding hands with Josh and this image disappeared too. He heard her voice again this time she was crying he looked for her again and saw her with Montgomery besides her with his hands in her shoulders, she was bleeding, she had blood all over her shirt, and Montgomery's face was full of blood too, their image began to fade away.

"Kate!" Castle screamed and started to run towards her. "Kate. Kate. No, stay with me" but it doesn't matter how much he was running she didn't seem to become closer. He got his arm up trying to reach her. She did the same. He was still running and he tripped in something; it was a tomb stone, he looked at it and saw the words "Katherine Beckett Beloved daughter" written in it. There was another word written in smaller letters the word was "Always". He started to hear Kate's voice saying "Always" in a whispered voice. "Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always." The sound became louder and louder, he could not see her just hear. "You said always, Richard." She was crying. "You said always!" Now she was screaming.

"Kate, I meant it. Where are you? I can't see you. I meant it. Always. I want you, I need you. Kate. Kate…"

Castle suddenly woke up, he had slept in that chair. "News, is there any news from her?"

In this exact moment a doctor entered in the room. "Who's with Kate Beckett?"

"Yes" answered Jim Beckett "How is she?"

"_**But something kept me standing by that hospital bed,  
>I should have quit but instead I took care of you.<br>You made me sleep and uneven, and I didn't believe them  
>When they told me that there was no saving you."<strong>_


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks about the reviews and I tried to make this chapter longer than the first one. Once again, I hope you like it. :D  
><strong>

**I don't own Castle. **

_****Obs: I'm sorry for any mistakes**  
><strong>_

_**Chapter 2 - Take my hand  
><strong>_

"How is she?" Castle asked this time. All of them, in the waiting room were dying for news about Kate.

"So, doctor?" Said Lanie

"The surgery was difficult, the bullet hit her left chest, damaging her lung, she was lucky there, her body was too weak, but we were able to stop the bleeding…" he stopped, those words were heavy "Her heart stopped… so we don't know how her brain activity is. Let's hope for her to survive this night, and tomorrow, we'll do more tests. One person can see her now."

Castle had the urge to tell he was the one that was going to see her now, but he stopped, he found some rationality in the middle of the emotional mess he was right now and thought about how difficult the situation was being for him, and about how much more terrible it was being to Jim Beckett, her father who saw his own daughter being shot, during the case about his wife's death. Castle just put one hand in Jim's shoulder and look at him in an encouraging way. Jim just nodded in agreement and walked with the doctor to see his daughter.

~ x ~

The scene Jim Beckett saw when he entered Kate's room was a scene he wasn't ready to see and he was sure he was not going ever to be ready to see it. His little girl surrounded by machines, lines and tubes, she was being kept alive by those things; a father should never see something like this. He took a deep breath and came closer to her, he took her hand and started to cry his heart out, again. He wanted to say something, but he could not speak, he could not think, he could only cry of despair. His entire life with Katie, was now passing like a movie in his mind, from the moment he first saw her, a very strong baby girl, passing through her childhood when she ran to him when she was scared, her first boyfriend, her first heartbreak, when Johanna died, when she saved him, to the moment she decided being a cop and how worried he got about her getting hurt.

"For God's sake, Kate…" after a moment words finally came out from his mouth "Johanna, please, if you can hear me, save our daughter. Please, Katie, you gotta breathe, you gotta live, for me, for Richard, for everyone, we are not ready to let you go. Come back, Katie."

~x~

"How is she doing?" Lanie asked desperately in the need for more news about her best friend.

Jim was trying not to cry again, but it was impossible, tears came in stream again down his face and he answered heavily "she is alive". Those were his words, not she is fine or another thing that could indicate Kate getting better, only a "she is alive", those words, ironically, didn't bring happiness for those people in the room. Yes, she was alive but for how long? Everyone there was wondering if their best friend, their partner, their daughter, their lover would make through the night.

"You can go" Jim said "In case some…" he was saying between sobs, he took a deep breath. "If something happen I'll call you"

"We have to go to the precinct." Said Kevin, looking at Javier, Jenny was with him. "Come on, Lanie, I leave you at home before." She just nodded to him.

"Richard, son, you should go too." Jim Beckett said. Before Castle could say something Jim continued "Go home, take a bath, change clothes you still have blood on your shirt, get some sleep and come back. You will see her today. I know you need to see her." Castle looked down it was true, he still had her blood on him.

Rick arrived at home and saw Martha waiting for him.

"So, kiddo? What's the news?" Martha said.

Rick walked towards her, and sat by her side in the sofa. "She made through the surgery…"

"Great news, huh, I told you she's strong" But Rick didn't seem any happy. "What happened?" Martha asked again.

"The doctors said they don't know she will make through the night, mother, she is too weak. I…" Rick started to cry again. Martha hugged him.

"I love her, mother" Rick said through sobs.

"Oh my God, darling, are you sure about this?" Martha looked at him. "Not about the books anymore" she remembered. Castle looked at her, his eyes were red which made his blue eyes even bluer. "Darling, tell her that as soon you can. Trust me. This will give her more strength."

"I already did. When I had her in my arms, and…" he was sobbing "… what's wrong with me? I want her in my life, I want a life with her and I'm just able to tell her how I really feel when she is dying and I- I-" he was crying so much now that he couldn't even speak.

Martha hugged him strong, very strong. "There's still hope, Richard. Don't lose the faith you have in her. If you lose it, everything else will be lost too.

~ x ~

The morning arrived; there was Rick in the hospital again.

"Castle!" A voice as called for him. Rick turned around just to see Josh calling for him. "Come with me" he said.

"What happened with her?" Castle asked but got no answer; his heart was beating strong in his chest."What happened with her?" he asked again it was possible to notice anger in his voice. They stopped in front of a door.

"She's asking for you".

"Asking for me?" Castle smiled; he felt happiness and warmth in his body. "Did she wake up?" he was crying, tears of joy.

"Just enter the room, I'll grab some coffee" Josh walked away.

Castle was breathing strong; he took a deep breath and turned the doorknob.

"You're alive, thank God" he was crying again.

"I guess I am, if I'm dead and you are here too… I don't think I gone to heaven." Her voice was weak, she was almost whispering, her skin was very pale and had circles around her eyes, like she hasn't slept for days.

"Ha-ha, very funny, Kate Beckett. How are you feeling?" He got closer to her, and took a seat in the edge of her bed. He took her hand, which were cold, and hold it strong. She held his hand back.

"I love that you have warm hands" She said looking deeply in his cobalt eyes. He smiled.

"Well, I see you are a little high in pain killers"

"Yeap, I guess so. I also feel like I could sleep for days. So, yes, pain killers" She arched her eyebrows and showed him a childish smile. "You look terrible, by the way".

"Thanks, you look lovely too" They kept smiling to each other for a while.

Her expression got serious "Castle, I need a favor" she said in a worried voice

"Anything" he said in a sweet and low voice.

"Watch my dad, please. He's not fine. I'm… I'm afraid he will start drinking again" She had tears in her eyes. "Will you help me with this?" She looked in his eyes.

"Yes, Kate."

"Thank you." She gave him a sweet smile, turned her head and closed her eyes.

"Always" he answered.

He kept staring at her for a while and asked "Kate?"

"Yes" she answered her voice was lower.

"Do you remember anything?"

"Not much. I think it's a good thing. I just remember seeing your face before everything got black" Her voice was becoming even lower, she took a deep breath and then fell asleep.

Castle got closer and gave her a sweet kiss in her forehead and then he kept there. Sitting by her side watching her sleep and holding her hand.

~x~

Kate looked better each day that passed. She was talking fine and could breathe better too. She was breathing in gasps, Castle even joked that she was talking like Darth Vader.

"Stop" she said. "Laughing hurts"

"I'm sorry, but this joke had to be done" Castle answered with a childish smile in his face.

"Well, I didn't think it was too funny" She said arching her eyebrows

"I found that funny" Jim said, smiling to his bossy daughter

"Oh, so now you two are together in this? Right, huh, dad?" She had a choked expression in her face in the first time, but she could not avoid laughing too. "Ok, Castle, when things stop hurting I'll kick your ass, but I don't doubt I can handle you in this way." She had a daring look in her eyes.

"You know you can spank me whenever you want, Katherine" Castle smiled devilish. Kate blushed and said "Castle" in a warning tone.

Jim cleared his thought and looked at them just like a father looks to his daughter first date.

"In a respectful way of course" Castle was stuttering "Unless she…"

"Time to shut up, Castle. Right? Beckett interrupted him. "And you, Mr. Beckett, don't think you are out of the hook, because you are not." They started laughing again.

Days kept passing and she seemed normal and healthy. The usual hotness was getting back to her face. Her hospital room was never empty. Never. Her father and Castle were there day after day taking care of her, smuggling normal food to her, according to Castle hospital food is more deadly than a bullet, but he liked the lemon jelly. Kate hated it. Lanie was there too whenever she could, Kate heard from her the speech about putting life in danger and other stuff. Esposito and Ryan always talked about the cases they were working on and about the new captain, Lanie complained about it "Guys, she is here to rest now.""But, chica, she is happy, she is a workaholic. Beckett likes too" Which was true but she didn't say anything trying not to provoke a mad Lanie. Even Jenny went to see her and brought flowers, the moment Castle saw the flowers he put his hand in his forehead.

"I didn't buy you flowers. Damn it." He bit his lip

"Yeah, you just kept mocking about the way I was talking" Kate had and disapproving look in her eyes. And everyone in the room was smiling with their sweetness.

Kate usually had a good time with them. She enjoyed her friends, her family. They made things easier to her and she was looking to them in a different way too. Maybe it is a near death experience thing. She was looking different especially to Josh, yes he became important to her more than she imagined he would be to her, his passion with his profession and helping people dazzled her a lot, but it was also the thing that kept them apart he was always working. He was the person who spent less time with her, and when he was there it felt awkward, they didn't talk much.

"Soon you'll be able to go home." Josh said. "Maybe in two or three days, you really look fine"

"Good, huh" She answered.

"Kate, what's happening?" he looked at worried.

"Nothing is happening." She answered

"Really? Why don't you tell me the things about you?

"This is just the way I am, Josh" She looked at him and gave him a polite smile

"But you tell Castle" Josh replied, he wasn't thinking very clear.

Kate looked the other way and didn't say anything.

"I'll go back to work" Josh said

"See, you are always working and you are never here for me" Kate finally said, she regret her words.

"And Castle is right?" He looked at her, she didn't answered. "Kate be honest with me for once, ok. Did you ever like me?"

"Yes, of course, more than I thought I could but…" she didn't finish the sentence; she looked down, and looked back to Josh.

"But you love him, right?" Josh finished her phrase. He as tearing up.

"No, I-I… I didn't say that" she replied

"Sometimes words are not needed, Kate. I'll go now, and you, you think in whatever you need to think" Josh left the room disappointed and Kate kept there, right now she was confused, she didn't really know, what she felt or what she wanted.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"What do you remember from that day? The shrink asked.

Long sessions with shrinks were needed whenever a cop went through situation of real danger. Kate always knew that, and she never denied that she might get shot someday and die. She even visited one when she decided that her mother's murder had took her to deep place… Yet opening herself to a complete stranger person was really an uncomfortable experience, or worst, being forced to stare right to the face of the problems she was avoiding, and she knew it.

"I remember..." she bit her lip staring at the floor, forcing her brain to form any image from that day "you know, they're just flashes"

The shrink was quiet; he was just staring at her.

"I- I... in the beginning everything was just a blank, but then, with the days passing I started to remember something. Things that I don't know if they are real or not" She took a deep breath and the words "I love you" in Castle's voice, that was annoying her, she wasn't sure if it was truth or something of her head; she rushed her hair through her fingers "I was at Capt. Montgomery's funeral, and then I felt something cutting through me, but didn't feel pain, but… "her emerald eyes were tearing" but… It awkward, I don't really know how to explain and I felt cold, and then I saw his face".

"Richard's?" The shrink let a sweet smile appear in his face.

"Yes" She answered; she hasn't looked at him yet. "All could see, that's clear for me, all I could see was his face, before…"she swallowed her words "before… everything fade away" a tear ran down her face.

"Interesting" If there's something worse than someone making notes about you while you are talking, it's when this person says "interesting" without giving you major explanations, or any explanations.

"Interesting what?" Kate asked confused.

"I believe you know" he answered

"I really hate this shrink talk like 'I believe you know' I'm here for answers, why don't you just give me them"

The shrink was smiling "Yes, you are here for answers, but you have to find them by your own"

Kate rolled her eyes.

"But I can tell you what is interesting. Your relationship with Richard; obviously he is a very important figure in your life, you should look at you when you talk about him, you change, even the tone of your voice.

Kate blushed "Well, I…"

"You what bugs me here, Kate? He is very important to you, yet you keep fighting him away. Tell me what he means to you, be sincere."

Beckett took a deep breath, she finally looked at the shrink, she couldn't find words. "It's complicated." She finally said. "I... Him" she took another breath "I was always a fan of his works. He doesn't know that and I'm not telling it" she smiled. "When my mother died it difficult to me, because her killer was never caught and chasing her killer became an obsession for me. In order to help me with that my first shrink gave me his book and while I read the books I felt like he understood me, my obsession, then I finally could let go, I realized that I could not live in that way anymore" she stopped talking, tears were coming down her face. "And years later I met him, and he was exactly the type of guy I imagined: rich, no responsibilities. But you know, there's this thing about Castle, he keeps surprising me, of course he still acting like a 9 year old in a sugar rush, but he's also de loving and caring father, a good son and he became a real friend, I trust him with my life" she was holding a coffee mug and she kind smile at it, she was lost in her thoughts.

"So, Kate, He IS very important to you, that was clear before." The shrink was looking at her deeply "What's not clear here: is the reason why you keep pushing him away".

"It's complicated" she replied

"I know, you already said that. Do you know the beauty of complicated things? They are full of details, so why is it complicated? Or better, what's not complicated in this life? What's life without risks and complicated things?"

Kate smiled.

"Funny, that's something Castle would say."

"Answer me, Kate, tell me de complications of your relationship".

"Hey, there's no relationship" she said.

"See what you did there?" Kate looked confused "I said relationship and you assumed that I was telling that you are a couple" he continued "You try too much to keep him away, what do you afraid of?"

"I-I... He is different, we are different." For a long time the only thing you could hear was the silence until Kate broke it.

"It's funny how life likes to mess with people…" a tear came down her face. "Thirteen years ago I was supposed to go to the dinner with my parents, but my mother never showed and somehow I'm still waiting for her. The thing is, in minutes my life was changed forever and I need to know why. I was very young, I had a lot of plans for my life and in a blink of an eye they're just gone, along with my mother and a great part of my being. And I kept strong for my father, but inside I was torn" she took a breath "His books healed me I felt like he could understand my obsession. I felt like I wasn't alone anymore by only reading his books" She paused again. "I crawled so deep into my mother's case and somehow he was there. He is always there to take my hand and take me out of that place…" tears were coming down her face, her eyes were darker and her voice was low. "yet, I feel him so distant sometimes. I feel like there's this huge door between us, and in order to get it opened, we have to do it together, but we never want that door to open at the same time." She looked through the window to see the raindrops falling slowly outside.

"I'm pretty sure you can open that door. Like you said, he is always there to take your hand; you just need to go towards him, and let him take your hand. And before you say it again, yes it's complicated, but let me tell you this again, what's simple about living? We can't tell the future, we don't know how much time we have left and we get scared before this. There's this thing we know, one day everyone dies, some people have left five minutes others have fifty years. But the difference lies on how we spend our lives. Taking risks and making chances, that's what we do to live fully. We're human, we make mistakes, you may be the one hurt today, but tomorrow you may be the one who is hurting another person, that's life. You risk, you make mistakes, you learn from them, you change… hopefully always change for better. Maybe someday you'll find something that you never asked for but in some weird way, you always needed. But all of this, just can happen if you want. A lot of things in our lives happen at random, but also there's a lot of decision, right here, in the palm of our hands."

"Nice speech" Beckett said with a weak smile while tears came down her face in streams."But this is no easy, yes, everyday can be the last. Trust me I know all this stuff, the truth is that in our heads we're immortal until death comes and weaves at you and when death comes so close you can actually feel her gelid breath…" in this moment Kate placed her hand in her left chest, where the bullet went through her, she still could feel it "…you start to think about all the things you have done and my life just…"

"It's nothing like you planned, right?"

A sarcastic smile appeared in her face. "Yes, nothing"

"But that doesn't mean you are unhappy, does it?

"I don't regret the choices I've made. But I feel that I need to find my mother was killed to really be able to move on with my life and finally let her go."

There was silence again between them, the shrink kept staring at her maybe dazzled by her and Beckett looked through the window... the rain was gone.

"So, when can I come back to work?"

"You know, most people in your situation would be terrified of coming back to work".

"I'm not going to lie, it won't be easy. But as a detective, I can do for other people what I need in my life. I can give them answers in order to help them to move with their lives."

"What did you decide about Richard?" Insisted the shrink, Kate smiled.

"Like you Said, Doc. It's in my hands now, in the proper time he will know all of this"


	4. Chapter 4

Short chapter, but I really missed this scene in the season premiere, so decided to post it, this was ready for a while, but I really didn't have enough time to post it, and my story was really close to what really happened in RISE, so I'm changing something before posting it.

**I don't own Castle. **

**ps: I'm sorry for any mistakes.**

Capítulo 4 – Goodbye.

"You couldn't have done that." She said, she could barely believe that Josh had done that. How could he act like that? She was mad with him, her voice was loud and angry. "You had no right."

"Of course I had, and I did it. You almost died, Kate." Josh was screaming too.

"It was not his fault, Josh." She said looking at him

"Not his fault? Come on, Kate. Montgomery died, he has the blood in his hands of you both, you may not see it, but it is his fault."

"Stop, please. Montgomery died because of me. He sacrificed for me, I have his blood in my hands." Her voice became lower and weaker, it's like remembering those events drained her strength. "And Castle…"

"And Castle what?" He said unbelieved. "I'm your boyfriend, not him. Remember that at least when you are standing in front of me".

His words made Kate angry again "Oh I try to" she replied heavily "I really try to work things with you, but it's really difficult to build a relationship with just one person, because you are everywhere Africa, Haiti, in the freaking hell; anywhere but here."

"Oh right, just allowed me to remember you, that I saved your life and he put you in the line of fire. What's wrong with you, huh? What attracts you to the guy that keeps hurting you? Because when I met you were a mess, and in the beginning you didn't talk about him at all and then suddenly is Castle that, Castle this. There's a reason for this, you tried to take him out of your life with me, right? But I wasn't enough, right?

She kept quiet. So did him. They both over stepped the line. She felt guilt, Josh was a great guy, but she knew he was right. Even, with all the great things about him… this… they… it wasn't enough.

Josh was hurt and his face looked sad, he got closer to her and with his hand in her jaw, he pushed her face up. But she was not looking at him yet.

"Look at me" he said in a whispered voice. She did what he said, fixing her deep olive eyes in his very dark ones. "I want, I really do want to be what you need, but I'm obviously not."

"You are amazing" She said her voice was low and a bit nostalgic "We spent a lot of great times together, there're things about you I'll take with me forever. But we don't belong together, you can't be tamed" She said with a smile making fun of it, he did it too "You want to go off and save the world, but I'm stuck here"

"You are one in a million. Unique. I don't think I'll ever find someone like you, Kate"

"That's good, I think. You don't need me, you need someone that understands you. I wanted you to be the one, I really did, but…" she paused; a tear came down her face "… the heart wants what the heart wants"

"Technically the heart is just a muscle" he said; they smiled again in sync. "So this is it?"

She said nothing, just nodded with her head, he held her face in his soft and strong hands and brought her close to a last kiss; He just stepped away from her and looked deep in her green eyes. Afterwards, he left the apartment in silence and Kate kept there standing in her apartment alone while she stared at the closed door. She held her arms around herself, and from her mouth just a whispered word came out…

"Goodbye."

**_This is my last goodbye_**  
><strong><em> Leaving all the memories of you behind<em>**  
><strong><em> I will not wait here<em>**  
><strong><em> And waste my whole life<em>**  
><strong><em> Waste my whole life<em>**


	5. Chapter 5

**I had this idea when the first spoilers came out about, Kate with pstd and a sniper. Things are kind of difficult in college so I'm not posting so frequently. sorry.**

**I don't own Castle... unfortunately.**

**-x-x-x-  
><strong>

Chapter 5 – what goes around comes around.

"Kate!" Castle's voice was screaming her name in despair this sound was echoing in her mind, she as looking for him, when she finally spotted him; He was crying walking towards her, his mouth was moving but now she couldn't hear what he was saying. Now he was standing very close to her, she could even feel his breath.

"Stay with me" he said in a whispered voice. "Don't leave me" he continued… "I love you"

"Castle..." she said in her low smooth voice "I'm here, always, I lo…"

"No" he interrupted her. "No, please, no!" He was saying in despair, looking at her chest.

Suddenly an agonizing pain hit her in the chest like a spear on fire, she couldn't breathe anymore, it was like all the breathing air was changed by a gas that made her lungs burn. Her breath came in gasps, hard gasps, she was trying to suck all the air she could but it felt like everything was gone. Her vision started to become black, Castle's face was slowly fading in a black shadow. She looked down and could see with in a blurry vision that blood was coming out of her chest in a stream; a cold feeling took over her body. But again, all of sudden, she felt nothing. There's was no cold or pain, everything fade away… she fade away.

_TRIIIM TRIIIM!_

Kate Beckett woke up in her bed, her phone took her off the hell she was facing every night since she got back to work.

"Hey, Espo" she said answering the phone "where?" she was in silence waiting for his answer, "ok, I'll be right there". Before she could turn off her phone Esposito said "no, need to call Castle, he's already here".

"Kay" she answered turning off her phone. - Castle was in a crime scene before her, that was no good -

~x~

"Hey, Castle" She greeted him gently when she saw him waiting for her by the crime scene.

"Hey" He noticed something about her, she wasn't fine. "Tough night?" He asked her when they were walking towards the crime scene.

"Excuse me" she answered

"Well…" he said bewildered "you have dark circles around your eyes" he looked at her concerned.

"Yeah, Castle, not the greatest night" She told him before they're interrupted by Ryan and Esposito.

"Hey, Becks, I believe me and Ryan can handle this one by ourselves" Esposito said trying to hide the concern in his voice.

Kate just rolled her eyes and kept walking through the alley until she spotted the victim. The person was all covered in blood a real big amount of blood. For some reason the victim looked oddly familiar to her…

"What's wrong? Is everything ok?" Castle asked when He realized something wasn't right.

"Her name. What's her name?" Kate asked in a hurry ignoring Castle's question.

"Her name is Jane Morrison, age 43. Her wallet was with her, nothing was taken, she's a law…" Ryan was saying before Beckett interrupted him

"She's a lawyer. Oh, my God" Kate teared up, she couldn't believe her eyes, she took her hand to her mouth in a choked gesture.

"Do you know her?" They all asked in sync

"Yeah, she was a trainee in my mother's office. She has a daughter, Alice, she's probably 19 years old now." Kate looked around and saw that cold dark alley, and a woman left there, like she was nothing. For some evil joke from destine, or whatever you believe, Jane Morrison a friend of Johanna Beckett ended in the same way she did. Kate was nervous, her scar was bothering her.

"What... What happened to her?" She tried to keep herself calm and Professional.

"Single GSW to the left chest, large caliber, long range" Lanie observed Beckett's reaction.

"Now I get it. You guys didn't know I met her before…"she paused and took a deep breath "A sniper?" She asked.

"Yes, according to ballistics the shot came from that building" They all looked worried, and Beckett realized.

"I'm fine. Ok, I can handle this" The time between her breaths was becoming faster.

"Ryan, see if there's any security camera around the block. Esposito go to her office and see on what she was looking for."

"What are you doing?" Castle asked her.

"_I'm _going to talk with her daughter" Kate said turning her back to them and walking out the crime scene. She was nervous and walking fast, her scar wasn't bothering her anymore, it was burning like that spear in flames from her nightmares was across her again.

"Take care of her" Lanie told Castle. He looked deep in her eyes and nodded and started to follow Beckett's steps.

~x~

A young woman entered the precinct; she looked lost, away in her thoughts. It's seemed she has been crying for days, her eyes were red and she had dark shadows around her eyes, which made her dark eyes even darker. Kate saw her that was Alice, she was sure.

"I'm going talk to her" She said getting up from her usual spot with _Castle by her side_

"Do you want me to go?"

"No, Castle, this one I want to go alone" She gave him a weak smile and went towards the young woman, her scar was pulling again.

"Hi, I'm Det. Kate Beckett" When Alice saw Kate a sweat smile appeared in her face.

"As in Johanna Beckett?" Alice asked, but before Kate could answer Alice continued "That was rhetorical, you could be her ghost. And of course, I remember you" Alice gave Kate another smile through her sad face.

"You grew up" Kate returned the smile, but her face got serious again. "I need to talk to you as the detective today"

"And I need to speak as the victim's daughter" Alice pressed her lips in order to hold her crying, but she couldn't help and some tears ran down her face.

The two women talked for almost an hour, and Castle observed everything from the outside, at the beginning the younger one tried hardly to hold the tears that insisted to come down, after a while the tears stopped and she became as serious as the older one that asked all the questions she needed but gently and sometimes she held Alice's hand when she started to cry all over again. Castle realized the air in the room became lighter and the two women got up, Castle went towards the room, of course he wouldn't miss this opportunity to learn more about his muse.

"Do want to talk to me, Castle?" Beckett asked when her _ruggedly handsome partner _got close to them.

"Actually, I wanted to talk with her" He told Beckett with a smirk in his face.

"Uh-noh, Castle, ain't happening." Beckett said going in front of Alice in a protective move.

"Hi, I'm Alice Morrison, and Kate used to babysit me" She had a mocking smile in her face and escaping Kate's move.

"Richard Castle" He Said shaking her hand.

"Wow, the author?"

"So, you're a fan?" Richard said with a big smile is his face.

"Yeah, sure"

Kate started to laugh "Come on, Alice. I can tell when you're lying"

"Ok, then. I never read you're books, sir. My mother was a fan, she liked Nikki Heat because Katie here is the inspiration. And my friend, he's a bit crazy and likes to say Nikki Heat is his soulmate"

"Is he cute?" Kate asked and Castle made 'I don't like this' face to her.

"Yeah, kind cute, but his too young for you" Alice answered.

"You're calling me old?" Beckett asked with her vein jumping in her front head.

"Not old… Older" Alice answered with devilish grim.

"Nice escape" Castle and Beckett said in harmony

Alice's phone rang, she didn't answer it.

"I gotta go!" She said. "It was nice to see you, Kate, even…"

Kate nodded

"It was nice to meet you, Mr. Castle" Alice continued. And then, she walked towards the elevator to leave the precinct. Kate's face got serious again and Castle realized it.

"She's hiding something from me" She said before Castle could ask.

"What do you think it is?"

"Well, I don't know, but there's no such thing as coincidences, Castle" Her tone was nervous and serious.

"Kate, do you think?" He paused "This many years later?"

"Yes, and you know it's possible" She said looking deep in his eyes and pressing her chest where her scar must be underneath her clothes.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

**This history takes more than a chapter, next chapter will se more of Kate pstd and Alice. **

**Hope you liked it, see yo soon. Let me know what you think. **

****Apologies for any spelling/grammar mistakes****


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't own Castle... unfortunately.**

**This chapter was really difficult to write, really, I hope you guys like it. ****Apologies for any spelling/grammar mistakes.******

******x-x-x-x-x-x******

Chapter 6 – Little House

She couldn't sleep a wink, this time it wasn't the nightmare, it was the case, and of course her scar didn't stop arching for a single minute since Alice left the precinct yesterday. The thought in her mind were making her crazy. A sniper killing Jane Morrison, a lawyer taught by her mother, Kate learned from the hard way that the people who killed her mother, now are killing with snipers, after all she was a victim herself. The images from that day popped in her mind and the feeling, she would never forget that feeling; the feeling she was fading away. She felt suffocated, couldn't stay locked in her apartment anymore.

~x~

She arrived in the precinct and it was barely 6 a.m. usually the place would be very calm and quiet by this time, but it was crowded, everyone was nervous and running around talking about the new victims.

_New victims? How many people have been murdered already? How many people hadn't the luck she did_?

She couldn't breathe and placed her hand in her left chest, the pain was getting bigger and bigger, she was looking around through the windows, there was no safety for her there, she just wanted to protect herself in somewhere. She just wanted to hide.

"Beckett?" Castle called her taking her out of her trance.

"Hey, Castle. Castle? What are you doing here already?"

"Well, I couldn't sleep so I decided to come and see if can help with something. Are you ok?

"Yeah, Castle. I'm fine" She barely looked at him while saying this, she wasn't ok. She always knew that.

Castle could tell when she was lying she was the opposite of fine now, the dark circles around her eyes were darker, her skin was even more pale, her lips always so reddish that made Castle crazy, today they barely had any color. He was worried about her, obviously she hasn't been able to sleep, but what concerned him the most was that she believes that her mother and Jane Morrison's case were related, she would go deep in the case again and he probably won't be able to stop her anymore, her life was in danger again.

"There's another murder" Esposito appeared saying.

"Another? How many murders happened? And why no one called me?" She was angry and very irritated. Angry because people believed she was not able to handle this case and the irritation was growing because her pain was growing and somewhere deep inside even her believed that this case was too much for her.

"This is the third murder, and we didn't called you because we received orders" Ryan answered her with hesitation in his voice.

"Yes, my orders. Detective, go home" Gates said in a tough voice

"No, sir. You can't do that, I'm ok I can handle it" The tone in Kate's voice was loud and very angry.

"Now listen to me, det. You may lie to us, telling you're ok and you keep telling this so much that you convinced yourself that, but trust me, you are not."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't go home" Kate had tears in her eyes, she was begging Gates with her eyes for letting her to stay.

"Ok, you can go this once. Next time I tell you to go home, there won't be a discussion, am I clear?"

"Yes, sir" She nodded and followed Ryan and Esposito

"Castle?" Gates called without getting attention from the others. "Keep an eye on her, apparently she listens to you"

~x~

Kate Beckett definitely was not fine, she was walking around herself looking in despair for the person that shot that woman, she was looking for him because she was afraid of being shot too. She that had so much respect for the victims, this time she couldn't even look at the woman in the ground, the dead image of herself.

"Beckett" Ryan called her by the radio "We found something"

Ryan was in the building by the crime scene looking for the apartment it would be the in the height determined by CSU. Castle and Beckett went there very quickly only to find a scene that none of them ever imagined, she couldn't believe her eyes, she didn't want to. Alice was there, cuffed by Ryan and arrested as a suspect. Once again the air hit Beckett's lungs like fire, she could breath anymore, she didn't had control of herself anymore, she said nothing just ran away from that room, and in her head glimpses of the day she was shot would go away.

When Castle noticed her absence she was already running down the stairs. What's going on? I knew she wasn't ready for this, yet.

Kate was running and she didn't know why, the pain in her chest was so strong she couldn't even think. She stopped running and leaned against the wall; whit her hand pressed against her chest where her scar was placed the pain grew stronger it was agonizing. Air was missing; no matter how hard she tried her lungs would fill with air, the images of that day would go away and tear were coming in streams down her face.

"Beckett? Kate?"! Castle said when he spotted her in that state. He ran towards her.

"Kate? Look at me, Kate?" Castle was trying but it seemed she was in some kind of trance

"I don't want to go" She said between sobs while in that trance state.

"You don't have to" he said

"The pain… is so strong, it's pulling me away"

"No, no, listen to me" he held her face between his hand "It's not real, did you hear me? It's not real, you're stronger than this. Now, snap out of it!" The tone in his voice was strong and a bit louder as usual. His words brought her back to reality.

"Castle?" She said still breathing heavily and having no clue on how she ended up her she was. _When Castle arrived there? Why was she on the ground? What's happening with her?_

"Come on, let me take you home" Helping her to get up

"No, I need to go to the precinct"

"Kate, please, you're not fine"

"I know, Rick. I know, but I need to talk to her, I need… please… how could her?" Tears were running down her face again.

~x~

Kate was watching Alice in the interrogation room from the observation room, she had held that girl when she was a baby, she could not believe that Alice could be a suspect on a murder of many people, and one of them was her own mother. - _No, she would never be a part of it. But, why on Earth she would be in the apartment with a rifle? – _Her scar was still burning, breathing was difficult and everyone already realized that. And it hurt the most was that pity look in their eyes.

"Let me handle this one" Esposito said, she didn't even hear when he entered the room

"No, I'm fine" she said coldly "I don't need you to look after me, ok? I'm ok, I can handle this" the tone in her voice was harsh and a bit louder.

Esposito got closer looking direct at her, but she was staring at Alice.

"When I got back from war" he paused "I had a hard time on adapting everything and everyone. You know, I was one of few people that survived one attack, I never told you this or Ryan, because it's difficult to get over something like that. There's not a single day that I don't remember that day" he paused again taking a breath and fighting himself not to cry "And there's days that it's harder, sometimes I feel like it was yesterday, I feel like I'm there again" he swelled his cry "I feel scared, it's like I'm living that hell again… And I kept telling everyone I was fine, but I wasn't. I was dying on the inside…"

She finally looked at him; tears were coming down her face again. He understood her, someone finally did.

"How did you get over it?" she asked him with a weak voice

"You never do" He told her looking in the eyes. "But you get stronger, strong enough to live your life normal again, but that memory and the feeling will always be with you. And sometimes it will hit you like a punch in the schnooks, but you get stronger than your fear, Kate. I know that you keeping telling everyone and yourself that you are fine, but you know that you're not, you need help, chica, and you may think that being alone is the best for you, but trust me, what you really need is to be around the people who love you and you love back." Esposito had tears running down his face, yet he had a warm smile in his face, it was like he knew everything about her and Castle, because when he said _'the people who love you'_ Castle was the only person that crossed her mind, she desperately needed to feel him close to her.

"Thank you, Javier."

"I'm going to talk to her."

Kate nodded, but she knew they would get nothing from her, after all, she was a kid of lawyer and even being so young she was already in law school. Jim once told her that Alice was some kind of genius. Yeah, Jim Beckett was still friends with the Morrison's and for some reason Kate that couldn't understand quite well, she got away from them, perhaps, seeing Alice and Jane remind her too much of her and her mother.

"I'm not going to say a thing without my lawyer" Alice said to Ryan and Esposito, Castle and Gates were with her in the observation room now.

After a while a young man entered the interrogation room, tall, blonde and very handsome, also very mad at her. Really mad!

"Are you nuts, Alice? I told you not to go there, meeting with some stranger guy that calls you about your mother"

"Hey, shut up, moron. You are my lawyer. You are not here to tell them anything"

~x~

"Let me talk to her" Kate asked to all her colleagues "I know what to do"

"You can't, detective, you're too involved in this" Gates said

"That's why I can make her talk"

"Do you really think she has a part on it?" Castle said concerned

"No, but she knows a lot more then she is showing and I know exactly what to say"

"How's that, detective?"

"Because… because she reminds me of myself years ago"

~x~

Beckett entered the interrogation room the pain in her chest was so strong she didn't know how she was still conscious.

"Hey, you finally came, Kate" Alice said.

"Please, Det. Beckett" Beckett said in a cold and harsh voice. "Why did you do it, Miss Morrison?"

"What? You cannot be implying that…"

"Why you murdered all those people, Alice? Why did you murder your own mother?"

"What?" Alice screamed

"Be quiet, Alice" the young lawyer told her "Can't you see what she is doing?" Too late, Alice was already so mad at Beckett that she wasn't thinking anymore.

"Why are you doing this? You can't seriously be asking me that." Alice was standing and screaming in front of Kate. She paused and tears came through her dark eyes and the tone in her voice got low again but very harsh, she was so angry that her teeth were locked forming an mad face. "_You cannot be asking me that_, Kate, I mean, Detective Beckett. " She was crying hard.

"So, tell me what you were doing in the apartment with a rifle, Alice"

"I was looking for the truth, you get it" She was sobbing "You gave up on everything you had thirteen years ago, because you couldn't stand the idea of not knowing what really happened, why she was really killed and I can't either, because she was everything to me. Everything! And I can't believe you're asking me why I killed her. Don't you remember she changed her life for me?" Words could barely be heard, because tears were coming even faster down the pale skin of her face. "And thanks to your mother she didn't need to raise me by her own, your mother was like my second mother, detective. Don't you remember what she used to tell us?_ 'Truth is my weapon'_ she said. She taught that to you, my mother and me. I cannot live without the truth. How could you ask me why I killed my mother!" Alice screamed again.

"How did you get to the apartment then?" Kate was still calm and cold _in the outside_

"I talked to people, I'm smart and…"

"You are risking your life" Beckett interrupted

Her voice was low and she sobbed again "I have no one left" she paused took a breath and dried a tear that was going down her delicate features with the back of her hand "I'm all alone" she continued "I don't have a home anymore, because everything there screams her, everything there makes me believe she is still here, but she is not, she won't be home anymore."

"You can't do that." Beckett said in a sad voice

"What?"

"Give up on everything, just like that"

"You're the last person that can tell me that. You broke up with your college boyfriend. I think you just finished college because you're already close to the end" Alice said, she wasn't crying anymore but her face was very pale, and her eyes very red because of the crying.

"You're 19 years old, you're already in law school, and people say you're brilliant that you have a great future with law"

"Like you did?" Alice was almost whispering now. "Right? I remember: My Katie is going to law school" in this moment Kate felt a warming tear coming down her face. Alice continued "You're following her steps" Alice paused because tears came to her face once again "And you gave up in the moment she was not here anymore. You stopped talking to me, and for years I tried to understand what I have done for you to disappear in that way. You're like a sister for me and you stopped caring. Thank God you didn't give up on your father because he really needed you. And you dropped the idea of law school so easily, because it hurt so much, right?" She was speaking between sobs "It hurts that everything you do remembers her and all the plans you had together" she paused again to take another breath "all the dreams" she sobbed "look so stupid and meaningless right now" she cleaned her face with her had "because without her anything makes sense, anything cares, and I'll all alone. So it doesn't matter if it's dangerous. I don't care if I live or die. I just need to know who this son of bitch that played God and took her from me is. I need to know why, because she was my everything" Alice could talk anymore she cried hard, so hard that she could barely breath.

Everyone was crying. The people in the interrogation room: Kate, that saw her little girl and herself in the same person broken into pieces and the young lawyer, Damien, saw his friend that was always so strong, the friend that helped and believed in him when no one else did, his friend was now so shattered that she could barely carry the burden of being alive. The people in the observation room were now seeing close the ghost that haunted Beckett life, even Gates, a woman so hard that people called her "Iron Gates" could not stop the tears rolling down her face. For minutes a word was not said, the only noise was from Alice's sorrow.

"You are not alone. You have me and obviously you have him" Damien took her hand "We are not alone" Beckett looked back direct to the mirror and somehow Castle knew she was looking at him. Also, in this moment, like it was some kind of magic, her pain was gone.

~x~

Somehow Gates allowed Alice to stay around the precinct because of the case, well, Alice wouldn't have left anyway. And they all stayed there for hours and hours. Everyone was exhausted but no one really wanted to leave.

"You go home. You all" Gates said "No one is worth here tired in this way. Tomorrow is a new day, I want you all to go home and try to rest, because I need you all a hundred per cent fine if we want to catch this son of a bitch. Alice you can come back here, sometimes, you showed to be very intelligent and good with investigation".

Alice nodded and thanked Gates for the opportunity; Beckett didn't like much the idea but kept quiet. Afterwards, Alice left with Damien; she didn't lose his hand for a single minute since he had taken it in the interrogation room.

"Hey, how come you invite her and you try to get rid of me every day?" Castle said.

"She's a potential detective and you're just annoying, Mr. Castle." Then, Gates just went towards her office. Kate, Kevin and Javier smiled, Castle complained grumpy.

"I give up on this woman, she is worse than Beckett" They smiled again

"Well, goodnight" Ryan said and left.

Esposito did the same and gave Beckett a meaning smile. He also gestured to Castle that just nodded in comprehension.

"You don't need to be alone" Castle said "You can go and sleep in my apartment; you know I have a spear room" he gave her a sweet smile.

~x~

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" He asked her while they were sitting in the cough of his living room.

"Not now, Castle"

"So, do want to watch TV then? I know an awesome TV show." He smiled at her and turned the TV on, he changed the channels until he found the right one "Yes, this one, Temptation Lane. I heard you're a big fat Temptation Lane fan"

"No funny things today, Castle" she told him, but she gave him a sweet smile

"Ok, I'm sorry. I promise I'll behave" He said turning his attention to the TV and in this moment Kate leaned her head in his shoulder and held his hand.

"Thank you, Richard."

"Always, Katherine."

******x-x-x-x-x-x******

******Alice will come back eventually, I really liked this character. I believe next chapter will be lighter, something related to Cuffed. ******

********Hope you liked it, see yo soon. Let me know what you think.********


End file.
